


Occupational Hazards of Darcy Lee Lewis

by QueenOfTheQuill



Series: Your Candle in the Dark, Your Family and Your Spark [5]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bruce and Tony are so grounded, Clint has some pretty shitty reflexes, Darcy does not get paid enough for this, Darcy does not have time for your shit Tony, Darcy has a plan, Pre-Darcy Lewis/Sam Wilson, drunk!science, for an assassin, paint bazookas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-20
Updated: 2014-11-20
Packaged: 2018-02-26 08:39:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2645387
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenOfTheQuill/pseuds/QueenOfTheQuill
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Darcy does not get paid enough for this. Seriously, Tony and Bruce need to stop trying to do drunk!science because she has had it up to here with them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Occupational Hazards of Darcy Lee Lewis

**Author's Note:**

> So this... is a thing I forgot I had. I laughed rereading it, so I hope you enjoy it! T for mild swearing.

Darcy pelted through the hallways, skidding gracelessly around corners until she literally ran into Steve and Sam coming around a corner. Steve caught her elbow to keep her from falling and frowned down at her with concern. “Darcy, what’s-”

 

“TonytalkedBruceintodrunk!scienceagain!” she blurted out between pants. Steve visibly paled.

 

Sam raised an eyebrow. “Tony talked Bruce into _what now?”_

 

Taking a few breaths to settle her breathing, Darcy said slower “Drunk!science. The last time this happened, they both made it into the tabloids naked and we owed Oscorp almost $300,000 for damages.”

 

Sam winced. “That bad?”

 

The look Darcy gave him clearly said _You idiot_. “Tony Stark plus alcohol plus complicated machinery and you expect _tame_?!”

 

“Point taken. Were you fleeing for your life, or...?”

 

“No, I’m going to break them up, I just need muscle-y backup, because this isn’t going to be pretty. No one interrupts the Science Bros and lives. That’s a direct quote, by the way.” Steve started trying to casually back up, but Darcy’s hand flashed out and grabbed his wrist. “Oh no you don’t. You are the first Avengers I ran into, therefore, you are my backup. You too, Barton, I can hear you breathing up there.” There was a scrabbling sound from the air vent. “I’ll tell Natasha you were the one that stole her tequila!”

 

The scrabbling stopped and Clint’s head appeared out of the nearest air vent. “Sometimes, you terrify me, you know that?” he said casually as he jumped down. “How do you even know that?”  
  


“Because I am a goddess, now lets go break up some SCIENCE! before somebody dies.”

 

~*~

 

“NOBODY INTERRUPTS THE SCIENCE BROS AND LIVES!”

 

“I thought you were kidding about that!”

 

Darcy calmly ducked a flying L wrench, which hit Clint in the face. “There is absolutely nothing I could make up that is worse than drunk!Tony. Sam, welcome to Intensive Science Wrangling, 101.” She zagged to the right as half a jelly donut flew past. It also hit Clint in the face.

 

“OH COME ON!”

 

“Jeez, you rely on this guy in a fight? Your reflexes are shit, Barton.”

 

“I wasn’t expecting a donut to come flying at my face!”

 

“Isn’t that kind of the point of reflexes?”

 

“Um, guys? I think we might have a bigger problem,” Sam said, pointing towards the workbench. Tony had just hefted something that looked uncomfortably like a bazooka onto his shoulder.

 

“Stark, what the hell are you-”

 

Tony fired and they all dove behind various workbenches. A huge ball of lime green paint spattered on the door behind them.

 

_“ANTHONY EDWARD STARK, TELL ME YOU DID NOT BUILD A PAINT BAZOOKA. I AM A FUCKING MORTAL, I CANNOT GET HIT BY THAT THING.”_

 

Tony rolled his eyes. “Chill out, Lewis. It won’ hurt ya. We already tested it on, ummmmmm, hey Bruce, wha’s that one intern’s name again?”

 

“Jeremy.” Bruce popped up from behind Tony’s workbench wearing, for some reason, greasepaint and a Vietnam era army helmet.

 

“Really, I thought it was Harold?”

 

“No one names their kid Harold anymore.”

 

“FOCUS, CHILDREN. Tony, put the bazooka down.”

 

“No.”

 

“Tony-”

 

“ _NO!_ You can’t make me!”

 

“Children!” Darcy muttered. “I am surrounded by children.” She ducked further behind the desk as a purple sphere flew past. When it splattered on the wall behind her, paint flew everywhere, including onto Darcy. “Fuck you Stark, these were my favorite jeans!”

 

“Shouldn’t’a messed with the Science Bros then!”

 

“Hey, muscle-y back up, anytime you wanna pitch in would be nice.”

 

Sam was just staring at her from behind the table where he and Clint took shelter. “What even is my life right now?”

 

“Currently?” Darcy shot him a cocky smile. “Trying not to die at the hands of these bozos.” They both ducked as three more paint bombs flew past in rapid succession.

 

“Um, guys?” They turned to Clint. “He’s advancing.”

 

When Darcy cautiously peeked out around the corner of the desk, she saw Clint was right; Tony was slowly, but steadily, making his way closer to them, as was Bruce, who was lugging-

 

“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW???” Darcy yelled as the paint missile from Bruce’s trebuchet flew past. “YOU TWO ARE SO GROUNDED WHEN THIS IS OVER!”

 

“Can you even do that?” whispered Steve next to her. She turned to glare at him.

 

“Yes. Yes I can. They don’t get to do SCIENCE! for two weeks. DO YOU HEAR ME, YOU TWO? YOU ARE GROUNDED FROM SCIENCING! FOR TWO. DAMN. WEEKS.”

 

“YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!” screamed Bruce, loading up the trebuchet again. Before he could fire, Steve rose up on his knees and threw his shield, slicing through some of the important mechanisms before it bounced back and he dropped to the floor to avoid Tony’s return fire.

 

“Well there’s one down, at least,” he muttered.

 

“One to go,” Darcy returned. “Wilson, Barton. One of you two is on distraction duty. Ro Sham Bo it out, but one of you is going out there.”

 

Twenty seconds and Sam’s rock to Clint’s scissors later, Clint was ninja rolling around, trying to simultaneously fire off his non-lethal arrows and avoid the paint bombs being lobbed at him by the dynamic duo. He was mostly successful.

 

Meanwhile, Darcy was calling the shots, sending Sam after Bruce (now huddled back behind the overturned workbench) and Steve after Tony, who had now pulled some extra paint weapons from Heimdall knows where, so he was firing two handed. As soon as Steve was off, Darcy pulled out her Stark Pad. “J, I’m gonna need you to pull up those lab modifications we implemented.”

 

“Certainly, Miss. Lewis.” A map of the lab appeared on her screen and she grinned.

 

“Muchas gracias, J.”

 

“De nada, Miss Lewis.”

 

She fist bumped the floor, then started pulling up icons, muttering to herself. “Right, the floor shaker was… here.” She glanced around the table, waiting for Tony to stumble two steps to the right before tapping the screen. The section of floor Tony was standing on began tilting and moving, a few inches up on the right, a few on the left. Unfortunately, he didn’t fall over like she’d hoped, but one of the ridiculous guns did fall out of his hands. He stumbled right off the moving platform though, so she had to set that back down. Before she got the chance to pull anything else out of her arsenal, Steve was capitalizing on Tony’s distraction to disarm him and wrestle him to the ground. Darcy cheered and rose from her hiding place.

 

Bruce had already fallen asleep behind the table, so she turned to Tony. “Tonyyyyyy. What have I said about drunk!science?”

 

Tony pouted on the floor. “Not ta do it,” he muttered angrily, crossing his arms.

 

“Right. Now you and Bruce are both going to go to your rooms and sleep it off and then you’re stuck on dish duty for a month, in addition to no SCIENCE! for two weeks. We clear, Tin Man?”

 

“Yeah, yeah.” Tony waved a dismissive hand. “Hey Capsicle, can I get a hand up? The room’s moving funny.” Steve hauled Tony to his feet, then grabbed Bruce from Sam. Clint helped a wobbling Tony to the elevator while Darcy got the pleasure of seeing the illustrious Dr. Banner tossed over Steve’s shoulder like a sack of potatoes.

 

“Make sure Bruce has a glass of water and some aspirin next to his bed. I don’t want him waking up grumpy,” Darcy called out. Steve waved one hand in acknowledgement. As the doors slid closed, she turned to see Sam staring at her with his mouth open. She grinned and leaned forward to snap it shut for him.

 

Sam grinned. “You know, just when I think I can’t possibly be surprised by anything else… Do you know how much you sounded like my mother right there?”

 

“Yup. Sometimes, the supers need a little mothering. Or a lot. I mean seriously, most of them have a complex.” She looked around the destroyed lab, then at herself, splattered with purple, and Sam, whose left shoulder was entirely green. “Wanna go to Starbucks and avoid thinking about this mess for at least an hour and a half?”

 

“God, yes. You owe me at least a scone for dragging me into this mess.”

 

“Done, but that means Steve owes you, like, an entire Starbucks.”

 

“Yeah. I’m trying to get him to pay up.”

 

“Good luck with that. Now come on, I _really_ need a frappuccino right now.”

 


End file.
